The Deadly Hate List
by Haloxoxo
Summary: Massie Block never thought her and her boyfriend, Landon Crane's hate list would end up being deadly. Massie never knew Landon would use the list for his targets as he shot their school up and Massie never knew what would happen after it all ended. R&R.
1. Trailer

**A/n: I do not own the Clique and I also do not own the credit for the idea because this story is based off a book I read called Hate List. It is a super good book and I thought this could fit the Clique fanfic really well. Heads up this will be a little dark but not really. Check out Hate List...I promise you won't be disappointed!**

**Love,**

**Halo.**

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><p>Massie Block has always been a loner in the sea of the populars, she was picked on everyday by her bullies because they thought it was a good laugh to make fun of the LBR. Massie Block had only one escape from her broken home which was her boyfriend, Landon Crane.<p>

Landon had moved to Westchester their freshmen year of high school and instantly she fell in love for the punk emo boy. Landon like Massie also would rather wear rock band shirts, skinny jeans, and converse then designer clothing from head to toe. However Landon had a dark side to him that Massie never knew about, a side to him that was evil enough to kill, a side that would one day be unleashed to the whole entire school.

_"Landon, what are you doing?" _

_"Massie, they are going to get what they deserve."_

Never in a million years did Massie Jillian Block would think that her perfect boyfriend, Landon Crane would shoot almost everyone on their Hate List and never did she think a little notebook with a lot of names would cause so much chaos.

_"I didn't want anyone to die."_

_"That's not what it looks from these e-mails, it seems as if you were obsessed with death and wanted vengeance."_

Massie never thought that Landon was actually being serious about all the death stuff he would obsess about, she thought he too was just playing along.

_"I don't know that Landon that shot those kids at school that day, I knew the Landon that loved music and Shakespeare." _

_"I believe that you didn't know that Landon but I also believe that you are also mad at him for doing what he did."_

Massie never thought that Landon would shoot her and she never thought he would pull the trigger on himself.

_"Landon, stop it doesn't have to be this way. Stop killing everyone it's not worth it."_

_"Massie, move out of the way...I want to see this bitch die."_

It all felt like a dream to Massie that she never went to school that day that Landon was still alive and so was everyone else but it wasn't a dream it was her very shitty reality.

_"I can't believe they would let her come back to school after what she did."_

_"My best friend is gone forever because of your psycho boyfriend!"_

_No matter what Massie did to try to prove her innocence, she even still felt guilty that somehow someway she could have prevented it._

_"Sometimes I feel like a hero for stepping in front of him, but then again sometimes I feel like it's all my fault, and sometimes I feel like neither."_

_"It is normal to feel that way especially after a tragic event, but you are not responsible for those kids dying, Landon Crane is." _

She never thought that her own father would think she was to blame.

_"Will you ever forgive me?" _

_"Maybe in time I will but right now Massie, I can't forgive you because you were apart of it. You wrote that List, you wrote my name on it and you may have not pulled the trigger but you caused a tragedy."_

_"I am sorry for everything."_

Massie Block only knew one thing before the tragedy happened and that was death was inevitable but she never thought it would happen so soon.

_"Have you gone to his grave? Have you gone to any of their graves?"_

"No."

"Why not? You caused this the least you could do is visit their graves."

"I didn't mean for any of them to die, but don't forget that he was your best friend too."

The last thing Massie ever thought would happen was her biggest bully would befriend her after everything that has happened.

_"You know you would be really pretty if you actually tried to be pretty that is."_

_"Why are you talking to me?" _

_"Because you didn't kill anyone and if it wasn't for you, I would be dead right now."_

_"No one else thinks that they all think that I wanted this to happen."_

_"Well then you should give them a reason to think the exact opposite."_

Massie never thought of herself to be a leader but lately she is doing things she never thought she could have done before.

_"That is such a brilliant idea M, I can't wait to see what principal Burns will say."_

_"It's the least I could do since what had happened because of me."_

_"For the millionth time the school shooting wasn't your fault."_

Massie Block never belonged with a group before but now she is finding herself fitting in the Pretty Committee very well.

_"So today I totally heard that is trying to get with a student because her husband is having an affair."_

_"That is such bullshit there is no way a student would go anywhere near her willingly."_

However Massie Block also had a lot of setbacks still waiting to overcome.

_"Are we having the sleepover still?"_

_"No, my parents won't let Massie sleepover so we're not having it."_

_"Don't be silly have your sleepover, I have homework to catch up on anyway."_

Massie knew that not everyone would welcome her with open arms but she is surprised of how much her new popularity is changing everyones' minds.

_"Hey Block, I was thinking if we could catch a movie later?"_

_"Um sure."_

_"I told you that I had the hots for Massie and you go after her? How typical of you."_

_"Hey M, can you help me pick something to wear on my date tonight?"_

Her world had come full circle but she still has nightmares.

_"Hey M, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."_

_"I had a nightmare that Landon came back to life and finished his mission."_

_"Massie, I know that you are still hurting but it is time to move on."_

This year Massie is on a mission to put the past behind her and move on with her future still bright ahead of her.

_"I don't think about him anymore."_

_"Good, you shouldn't think about him anyway."_

**_The Clique, the only thing harder than getting in is coming to peace with your past._**

**Starring:**

**Massie Block**

**Alicia Rivera**

**Claire Lyons**

**Dylan Marvil**

**Kristen Gregory**

**Derrick Harrington**

**Cam Fisher**

**Josh Hotz**

**Chris Plovert**

**Kemp Hurley**

**and Landon Crane.**

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><p><strong>Review:) <strong>


	2. War Zone

**A/n: I do not own the Clique and I also do not own the credit for the idea because this story is based off a book I read called Hate List. It is a super good book and I thought this could fit the Clique fanfic really well. Heads up this will be a little dark but not really. Check out Hate List...I promise you won't be disappointed!**

**Love,**

**Halo.**

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><p>November 1st, 2009 is a date that I will never forget and neither will the rest of the students at Briarwood Octavian Country Day High School. It was the day that my boyfriend turned against the world, against his friends, against his enemies, and even against me. Even now as the summer has come to an end and my junior year is about to start, I still can't come to terms of why he would shoot all of those innocent people, why he shot me.<p>

"Massie, sweetie it is time to get ready for school. You don't want to be late for your first day." My mother's voice said over the intercom and I could picture her in my head running around the kitchen grabbing her coffee and helping my father fix his tie before he headed to work. If you spent a day in my house, you would never assume that I, Massie Jillian Block the daughter of William and Kendra Block was apart of a school shooting and that is the appearance my parents fight so hard everyday to obtain.

"I'm coming." I said as I pressed down the button so my mom wouldn't coming running up in my room thinking that I have tried to kill myself. Ever since the incident she has been apprehensive about me being alone because she thinks I want to commit suicide as if. I walked over to my closet and pulled out a Rocket to the Moon t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans and my purple converse and got dressed for the first day back to school.

"Oh honey, here sit down and I'll do your hair and put on your makeup for you." my mom said when I reached the bottom of the staircase where she was waiting for me, curling iron and makeup brush in hand. My mom used to do makeup and hair professionally for fashion shows before the incident, but now she has dedicated her time to helping me recover.

"Mom, really you don't need to do that. It's not like people are going to treat me differently just because I took time to look "pretty" all they care about is the Hate List." I said putting air quotes over the word pretty, because even if my mom was a former Miss America doesn't mean I got the pretty genes like everyone at my school so clearly pointed out.

"Oh please Massie, you could be very pretty if you actually tried. Will you please let me dress you for one day?" My mom asked well more likely practically begged. I can tell that staying away from her career has been driving her crazy and I'm to blame for that.

"Fine but just for one day." I said yes mostly because I feel guilty that my mom has given up her career to fix her "damaged" daughter. If only I could have stopped Landon from killing all of those people then my mom could still have her life in her hands.

"Thank you." My mom said overexcited as she began to curl my hair into perfect ringlets. It felt like old times when I was still a innocent kid and I would beg my mom to do my hair but now it's the other way around. It's funny how life works sometimes and it's tragic to see how life ends sometimes.

After a good hour my mom was finally finished and we set off for school, the place I am least looking forward to come back to. What am I going to say to my friends that I tried so hard to ignore this past summer? What am I going to say to those who accuse me of murder? And what am I going to say to those who are going to ask why I even bothered to return?

"Now if anything goes wrong, call me and I will come and pick you up." My mom said as she pulled up outside the green lawn of BOCD high which used to overfill with students but now is deserted. Everyone used to hang out on the lawn before school started that was before Landon stolen that safe haven for everyone that awful day.

"I know mom, love you bye." I said as I pushed the car door open and stepped onto the lawn for the first time since that day. After the shooting I enrolled in home-schooling while I was recovering from my injury. Landon shot me in the thigh and luckily with a lot of physical therapy I have recovered.

"What the fuck are you wearing?" I heard an old familiar ask as they crept up behind me and I spun around in my navy blue Ella Moss dress that my mom forced me to wear with black Gucci high heels. "Are you even the same Massie? Or did she die just like Landon and all of those other kids?" Layne used to be my best friend since the second grade but after the incident she didn't want to be associated with me at all. She pretended as if our friendship never existed and she pretended that I died that day in her eyes.

"Layne, I'm still the same Massie but my mom practically begged me to wear this and how could I say no? She gave up her career for me, I owe her something." I said as ignored her last statement because the truth is for many people my innocence died that day and to others a hateful girl died that day and a heroine replaced her.

"She's not the only one that you owe some worth of debt or gratitude to." Layne sneered as she brushed past me inside the school. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle school if I can't even handle a confrontation from my former best friend. It's times like this that I miss Landon, not the psychotic Landon but my boyfriend and best friend Landon.

"It would be a shame if you turned back on because the school will miss seeing a very pretty dress." Alicia Rivera said as she past by me to head inside the what I considered the "war zone". I don't know why Alicia said that to me because we have never been friends and she used to call me names. Her name is was on the List that's for sure, but she's also the person I jumped in front of Landon from killing and that's when he shot me, his own girlfriend in the thigh.

I used to hate Alicia because she did her best to make sure my life was a living hell but what she didn't know is that my life already was with my parents always arguing and never being home and if they were then it was like world war three had started. My only escape was Landon, but obviously that didn't turn out so well. Now I am marching into school alone and my only armor is the words I can try to say to beg for their forgiveness but even then I don't think it will be enough to get out alive.

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><p><strong>Review:) <strong>


	3. Guilty Or Victim of Foul Play?

**A/n: I do not own the Clique and I also do not own the credit for the idea because this story is based off a book I read called Hate List. It is a super good book and I thought this could fit the Clique fanfic really well. Heads up this will be a little dark but not really. Check out Hate List...I promise you won't be disappointed!**

**Love,**

**Halo.**

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><p>The school hallways that used to be full of colorful banners for various clubs and sports are now just a plain except for the black banner hanging over the cafeteria that says, 'We will never forget.' in a crimson red paint. I used to hate school because everyone seemed to be so full of life and happy with their lives while I was miserable...it felt as if they were always rubbing it in my face about how perfect their lives were compared to mine.<p>

Now it feels as if the world is just as miserable as I am, but it isn't a good feeling to finally feel a part of something because now I feel guilty for causing everyones' misery. I walked down the corridor past the cliques to my tan locker number 246 and quickly spun my combination 0-30-40 to dispose of my backpack and only take out what I needed for the day.

"I can't believe that she is even allowed to come back." I heard someone whisper a couple feet away and I knew they were talking about me. I am the reason why we no longer can carry our purses or backpacks to class, the reason why there is more security patrolling around campus now, the reason why all of those kids died and even someone teachers too.

"Look at her trying to act like she belongs." another girl whispered.

"She can change her looks but she can never change the damage already done."

"I can hear you, I may not be popular but I'm not deaf. I never wanted anyone to die and I never pulled the trigger," I said annoyed with the constant whispers. I don't know what has gotten into me, I would never stand up to anyone before. "It took a school shooting to finally make you realize that the words you speak, they are daggers to someone else's heart. So go and run your mouth but know that someone is in pain because of you." I have finally snapped as I faced the nerds of the school aka my former friends. Kori Gedman, Claire Lyons, Strawberry McAdams, and Layne Abeley who act like they don't care what other people think of them when they really do care.

"And being his girlfriend you never knew about his ulterior motives. You're just as guilty as he is." Kori the blonde who always styles her hair in pigtails said as her piercing blue eyes searched mine for guilt or maybe even some leftover innocence.

"You were his friend too and you know as well as I do that none of us thought he would ever do something like that." I said coldly because to be honest Kori and I never really got along before. We just seemed too different for one another.

"You'll still never be a hero." Strawberry McAdams fumed angrily because she has always had a short temper which makes me want her to dye her hair a fiery red so it can match her face instead of keeping that yucky bubble gum hair color she has now. Strawberry and I well we never saw eye to eye either and to be honest her anger issues frightened me more than Landon ever did when he would talk about death 24/7.

"I never asked to be a hero. Listen I don't expect much from anyone except hatred but I expected more from my so called 'friends'. If you think I'm guilty than obviously you aren't my friends after all." I said bitter because they were supposed to be on my side not against me. I looked at Layne hoping she would stand up for me like she had done so many times in the past but the green eyed girl remained silent.

"Massie, we're sorry but we can't be associated with someone like you." Layne finally said and without my former friends bumped past me leaving me alone. I slammed my locker door furious of the way they acted towards me.

"For what it's worth I never thought you knew about it." Claire Lyons the blond hair blue eyed girl said when I turned around to walk to my first hour class. I never knew Claire had the balls to ditch Layne to be friends with me-I mean we talked and all but we were never best friends.

"Why are you not with Layne and the rest of those jerks?" I asked coldly because it's all I have ever known.

Even before the 'incident' I was always cold and mean to those close to me because I am terrified of being vulnerable maybe that's why I liked Landon so much...he didn't care if I was strong or weak all he cared about was making me happy. Well at least that's how he was in the beginning but towards the end he seemed as if he didn't like me anymore because he hardly talked to me and he would rather get high than hang out with me.

"Because I chose my own friends and if they don't like one of my friends well then they can go shove it." Claire said with a chuckle and I had to admit it felt good that she has the courage to stand up for herself.

Claire never really seemed to be apart of the group anyway because we all would wear different color skinny jeans, different color converse, and band t-shirts while Claire would wear bootcut jeans, white keds, and more formal tops. Claire was the most fashionable out of all of us but she never did it on purpose that was her style.

"Thanks Claire, I really need someone to help me get through the day." I told her as we walked to first hour together which is World History with Mr. Cane who is a stubby short Caucasian blond hair blue eyed teacher who is in his late forty's.

Unfortunately he has a seating chart posted on the smart-board and Claire and I are not anywhere near each other instead I am right next to Derrick Harrington and Alicia Rivera.

"Hey good looking I'm Derrick and you are?" the dirty blond said as he flirted with me and I have realized it is probably because he doesn't recognize me with this new look.

"Derrick, that is the new _improved_ hot Massie Block." the black raven beauty said as she put more empathizes on the word improved and I still don't know why Alicia is making such a big deal about me. Normally I would think she is up to some prank to humiliate me in front of everyone but this time I feel as if she is being real with everything she says to me.

"Wait is this the same girl that dated Land-"

"Don't say his name, but to answer your question yes I am the same girl." I said as interrupted Derrick because I don't want anyone to mention that name and my own name in the same sentence. Landon betrayed not only me but the rest of the student body and staff.

"Excuse me, I need to leave." Derrick said briefly as he stood up and bolted out of the classroom. No one tried to stop him and no one ran after him because we all know why he is so upset, Landon shot his sister that day.

She was his first victim because Sammy would always make fun of Landon for being in a public school before he went to Westchester which dubbed him the LBR label even though Landon was the most popular guy at his old school. Sammy ruined Landon's popularity and in the end Landon took away her life.

"He's not upset with you, it's just hard to think about that day. I mean we all lost so much but it could have been worse if you didn't sacrifice yourself to save the rest of the us so we all know you are the hero not the _murder._" Alicia said as she stood up to sit in Derrick's spot so she could be closer to me, I guess. Even though I tried to stop Landon from killing more people it didn't feel like it was enough because people died anyway regardless of me sacrificing myself.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm just as guilty as he is." I whispered quietly hoping she wouldn't hear it because if she does, will she think I was guilty?

I knew my first day back wouldn't be peaches and fairytales but I didn't think it would be this easy either. I thought I would be alone and bullied to the point where I would be forced to call my mom to come and pick me up from school. Maybe BOCD High has truly changed since the shooting but at the same time maybe only a few students have changed and the others I haven't faced yet.

"We all feel guilty because we couldn't save them no matter how hard we tried...we couldn't and we have to learn that we are the victims too." Alicia said before she turned her attention back to Mr. Cane who was going over the class syllabus.

I wonder if Alicia is right that we are all the victims of foul play but what I wonder more about is if everyone else thinks that way too? Do they think I'm a victim? Or do they think I am a murder? All I know is this is just the beginning of my sophomore year and I have two more years before I can move out of town and abandon this hurt behind for good.

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><p><strong>Review:) thanks for the reviews! I tried to be more detailed.<strong>


	4. Head Over Cleats

**A/n: Disclaiming that I own nothing of the Clique nor the characters.**

**So it's been awhile since I've updated this story, but as of recently I have come to the conclusion that I really want to finish this story. Not because I owe it to all of you which is one of my reasons, but it is more because the book, "Hate List" struck a chord with me and I owe it to myself to finish this story. I also want to mention that even though on my profile it does mention that I am leaving after my stories are all finished including this one, it doesn't mean I am going to rush through them. In fact, I am going to take my sweet time finish every last one, I owe it Fanfiction. Fanfiction has been amazing to me these past three years, and I thank each of you for making it an incredible experience.**

**xoxo,**

**Haley.**

**P.S. it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm contemplating if I should write the next chapter for this right now even though I have to be up at 8am to go to work. Yeah, Fanfiction takes priority over sleeping:)**

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><p>The rest of the school day went fairly well, and before I knew it the final bell had rung releasing all of us to roam freely outside of school. It felt great stepping outside in the Autumn crisp air, and climbing into the familiar black Range Rover waiting for me outside the school steps. It almost felt as if everything was back to <em>normal. <em>

"Massie, I was wondering if you wanted to come to my sleepover on Friday?" Alicia Rivera asked as she caught up to me while I was near inches away from getting out of here.

"I'll only go if my friend, Claire can come with me." I said wisely, because if she is up to any funny business it is better to have a friend with me than to be helpless alone.

"That's cool. I'll give send you my address on Facebook, and more of the details as well, okay?" Alicia asked and I nodded my head understanding. Her ride was right parked behind Isaac, and her goons of friends were millimeters away from us. "I'll see you around."

"Bye Alicia, and thanks." I said before I stepped into the Range Rover and left.

I don't know why I had felt obligated enough to thank Alicia Rivera, but for some reason it felt like the right thing to do. If Alicia is being honest with wanting to be my friend, then this could be a start of a brand new life far away from my haunted past.

The only problem with this dream is that Alicia's friends don't like me, well actually I'll go to the extreme and say that they indeed hate me. Dylan Marvil, the gorgeous redhead with green eyes is the daughter of the infamous Merri-Lee Marvil who has her own talk show called, The Daily Grind. Dylan and I never got along, because well when we were younger, I kind of stole her best friend away from her. Which brings us to Kristen Gregory, the dirty blond with aqua eyes and a killer attitude. Kristen and I used to be best friends before she became popular and left me for Alicia. We even played soccer for years with one another, before I hung up my cleats and quit for good.

I just don't see how going to this sleepover is going to do me any good, but what else do I have to lose? I have already lost my own friends except Claire, no guys want to date me, my father hates me, and my mother well she is afraid of me. My life is in shambles, but no one seems willing to help rebuild it.

"How was school?" My mom asked as soon as I walked into the house after Isaac had dropped me off. I should have known she would be greeting me at the door, because ever since the "incident" she has been monitoring me.

"Okay, I guess. I made some new friends so that's good." I told her the truth, well the half-truth as I dropped my backpack to the ground.

"What are their names?"

"Alicia Rivera and Claire Lyons, but maybe by Friday I could add Dylan Marvil, and Kristen Gregory," I said happy that I at least had two friends and if she let's me go to the sleepover then I might have two more to add to my pathetic list. "That is if you let me go to Alicia's sleepover on Friday."

"Of course you can go honey. I am just so happy that you are making great choices in friends," My mother said sweetly, and I began to march up the stairs to escape into my bedroom. "Don't forget the Fisher's and the Harrington's will be dining with us this evening."

Shit, I forgot all about tonight's dinner. My father in an attempt to prove to his colleagues, that I am innocent is inviting them over to join us for dinner where I will be the main course for the meal tonight. I should have remembered so I could have weaseled my way out of it, like by hanging out with Claire instead. I make it my way to my bedroom door, and I quickly rush into my room and shut the door. I search around my pink and grey room to find my soccer shorts, my white and black soccer camp t-shirt, and my purple cleats, because I need to escape my reality. I quickly find all what I need, and grab my beat up old black and white soccer ball that is covered in dirt and head back down the stairs.

Immediately, I run to the backyard that has a full size soccer field and began to kick the ball angrily into the net. My _dad, _had built the soccer field for me when I was only four years old, because I had convinced him that I would become a pro-soccer player when I was older. Those were the days when my _dad _was actually my _dad _but now he is just my father, because he stopped loving me. I am a _disappointment _to him.

"Wow, I seriously forgot that you know how to play." I heard a voice shout from across the opposite side of the field. I turned to see none other than Cameron Fisher, standing directly across from me.

He is dressed nicely in a pair of jeans, and a white button down shirt with his jet black hair spiked up in the front. His one green and one blue eyes were focused on me of all people. Cam, is one of the most popular guys in school, but he used to also be my best friend.

"I didn't know that I had an audience," I said as I dribbled the muddy soccer ball towards him. He had stayed in the same spot as I continued to meet him from across the field. "If I do remember correctly, I also had beat you the last time we played."

"We we're ten and highly doubt that you can beat me now, Block." Cam said with a wide grin on his face.

It felt good that he had called me by my nick-name that only him and Derrick were allowed to use. Before, I cut myself out of the social life of Westchester and became a loser, I was friends with all the people that had ended up on the "Hate List". I don't know, how life got out of control so fast, but it did and I before I could try to stop it, the damage was already done.

"Is that a challenge, Fisher?" I asked intently as I greeted him finally.

"It's always a challenge with you, isn't it Block?" Cam asked before he engulfed me in a hug, and it took all the strength in me not to break down and cry.

"I've missed you." I said as my voice wavered, because it didn't really hit me until now of how much I truly missed having him in my life.

My life was so much better, before **he, **came in and ruined everything. I was happy, and I was popular but then it was gone in a blink of an eye.

"I know. I've missed you too."

"I really don't want to go in there, and have dinner with them. They think that I'm guilty," I cried into his arms as he stayed their holding me in his grasp. As much as I want to be brave and prove them all wrong, I don't have the strength to face them. They lost their daughter, and it was because of my boyfriend. "They hate me, and he hates me too. My own father hates me, but the sad part is, I hate myself."

"Massie, don't say that. You are not a murder, you are the hero," Cam said trying to calm me down, but I only cried harder. I wish everyone would stop calling me a hero, because I don't feel like much of a hero when I think of how many people lost their lives. "We don't have to in there if you don't want to. We can stay here and play soccer, if that is what you want, okay?"

I nodded my head yes, because my voice had failed me.

Cam, hadn't let go of me yet, because I still had a few tears left to be shed. He was always a great friend, because no matter what happened, he was always there for you. After everything, I can still call him one of my true friends. However guys, do tend to not hold grudges like girls do so that may also help.

"He's not coming, is he?" I asked although I had an inkling of what the answer may be. I released my grip on Cam, and stepped back so I was looking at him, face to face. I wanted to know if he would tell the truth, or if he would try to lie to protect me.

"No, he's not coming."

"I kind of figured, he wouldn't."

"Come on, let's stop the chitchat and play!" Cam said as he had taken the soccer ball out of my grasp and began dribbling it down the field.

"Hey, that wasn't fair, cheater!" I shouted as I ran after him trying to defend the goal, he was about to get.

We played for two hours, before his mom had come out and called him to come home with them. It felt good, playing soccer again, but it felt even better hanging out with Cam and not have one awkward moment between us. It was as if nothing had changed, because we pretended that nothing had changed with our friendship.

My father was not pleased by my absence at dinner since I was the honoree of the evening, but when the Fisher's had called later that night rambling on and on about how great it was watching Cam, and I play soccer with one another again; my punishment was reduce, but I was still in trouble because I didn't acknowledge the Harrington's when they were at our house.

My mother, on the other hand was pleased to see her daughter playing soccer again, because it meant that a part of the old me was still living in the _new _me. Now, if only I can somehow keep climbing this upward hill, then maybe my life will get better.

_One step at a time._

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><p><strong>Review it maybe? Ohmygosh I absolutely loved writing a little Cassie in this chapter it made me melt on the inside. I've always thought Cam would be an awesome best friend, because he is that kind of guy. Okay my foot is falling asleep now, so I probably should hit the hay. Don't forget to give me feedback, please?:) Love ya!<strong>


	5. Face Down

**A/n: Disclaiming that I own nothing of the Clique nor the characters. Idea again from the book, "Hate List".**

**Wow, I couldn't resist writing another chapter immediately for this story. To say, that I could become obsessed with this story may be an understatement because I have always liked dark, twisted stories in some strange way. I actually began writing and completed it before realizing that what I wrote sounded more like the ending for this story so I am saving it until we reach that part in the story. That way I can re-edit it later and if I need to add on some more details. After I saved it, I began to write this, and my imagination kind of just roamed free, but it stays with the story. This may become my favorite chapter after it's all finished because there may or may not be some foreshadowing involved.**

**xoxo,**

**Haley.**

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><p>It is Friday afternoon well to be precise it is two o'clock which means it is time for me to go and talk about my "problems". I hate, that I have to go and see Dr. Green for two hours every Friday, but it is apart of my "punishment". Dr. Green is a middle aged man, married with two grown children, and he is an avid horsemen. He is at least six feet tall with grey hair, green eyes paired behind black rectangle glasses, and he is fit for a fifty year old man.<p>

My favorite thing about Dr. Green is that he has never forced me to talk, which is a relief when all my parents try to do is force to talk about the "incident". I can just sit on the black leather couch, and stare at the tan wall filled with family pictures, and his degree hanging in the center right behind his red mahogany desk while he sits in his swivel chair waiting for me to open up.

"Your mom tells me that you have gained some new friends, is that true?" He asked as soon as I sat down on the couch today.

Of, course my mother was thrilled to tell him about me gaining a new friend, because to her it meant that I was "normal" and not a "lunatic" like **him**. I swear, you tell your parent one little detail and the very next day, the whole world knows about your secret.

"She, just invited me to her sleepover, because it's probably her paying me back from stepping in front of Landon when he tried to shoot and kill her." I said discarding Alicia as a friend, because everyday I contemplated wether or not she is a friend or just thanking me for saving her life.

"Well, it looks like you will have to go to sleepover and find out if she is your friend or not."

"I guess, but I don't want her to only like me because I stopped Landon from killing her. I want her to like me for me, not for being that "hero" as so many people claim." I spilled my inner most feelings to him.

When I first started coming to see him, I would shut up like a calm and he would rant on and on about horses for the two hours before I was freed to go. It took me two weeks, before I began to open up a little bit more and start talking to him. At first, it was to shut him up about those god damn horses, but now it's to let go of the feelings I suppress.

"You are a hero, because not a lot of people could have done what you did." He encouraged for me to think positively, but I just guess he is doing it to make me feel less guilty for writing the list.

"I'm not a hero, I am guilty. Do you know that I haven't even gone to his grave or anyone else that had died that day? A hero, would have gone, but a guilty person wouldn't." I argued, because I'm sick of being called a heroine when I feel like a _murder_.

"You haven't gone, because you are still recovering from this tragedy. In time, you will be able to leave flower on their graves, because you will have the strength to carry on with your life," Dr. Green said as he moved his chair closer to the couch. He always did this, when the conversation became more deeper he would come over to me, and sit at my level to talk to me. It felt like I was talking to friend, and not a psychiatrist. "You will be able to move forward. You have so much to live for, and this was just an learning experience for you to grow from."

"I can't even face my old best friend, because Landon had to go and kill his sister. He hates me, and I hate me too," I paused as I felt the tears stream down my face and fall onto the couch. I hated crying, but lately this is what I've only done is crying a million tears trying to bring them back from the grave. It didn't work though. "I'm a _murder_."

"You couldn't have known what he was planning, and even the police told you that you couldn't have stopped him. He _killed _those people, not you." Dr. Green said comforting me, and it helped a little bit knowing he believed me.

Is it sad that I wished, I was his kid? I only wish this, because from the gecko, he believed me but my own parents still have trouble believing I had no idea about the shooting. I used to be their shining _star, _now I'm a _dust _bunny to them.

"I wish, my parents believed that I didn't kill anyone." I said quietly, but I knew he had heard me. The timer on his desk had rung, which meant that my session was over and I was freed to go.

"They'll come around." He said before, we parted ways and I walked back to my mom waiting in the waiting room.

As soon as we had got into the Range Rover and started to drive home; she was already on my case asking what had happened. She is so noisy, and I hate it.

"So, did you talk about how you were supposed to be our dinner guest but vanished to play soccer with Cam?" She asked intently, and I wanted so desperately to be over at Alicia's house right now far away from her.

"You signed a contract, and you cannot breech the contract even if I do tell you willingly. Anything said in that room remains between Dr. Green and myself." I said smugly, as I thought of how I outwitted her with a fancy contract.

"That's ridiculous, I am your mother." She exclaimed as she flailed her arms in the air.

I wanted to make a snarky remark, but I decided against it since I have to be on her good side if I want to go to Alicia's sleepover tonight. We didn't talk for the rest of the car ride home, and I jumped out of the car to pack my things for tonight, but was immediately stopped by my father when I entered our house.

"If you think, you are going to that sleepover, you are wrong." My father sneered as he towered over my small frame.

Why, did he have to be home? Why couldn't be at his mistresses's house fucking her brains out? I hated, when he came home to his "family" and started acting like he controlled my life even though he was absent throughout my teenager years.

"Mom said that I could go, and I already told Alicia that I could go so I am going end of discussion." I argued, and I tried to push past him up the stairs, but he didn't budge and instead I fell backwards on the marble floor.

"I have the final say in this household, and I say you can't go. Now, since you have left me no choice, you are to sleep outside and you are not permitted to come inside for any means. Understood?" My father asked, and I nodded my head knowing exactly what he meant.

This started, when I began my rebellion against him and he would get so angry that he would kick me out to our spa to sleep. I had to go to the bathroom out there which luckily it had a bathroom, and everything I needed. It was his worst kind of punishment that he could grant me without me threatening to call the police on him.

"Next time, I will pick a night that you're fucking your whore to go over to a friend's house, because obviously you don't care about your family then." I stabbed before, I ran out to the spa and locked the door.

I knew if he would take offense, he would come chase after me to "knock" some sense into me, but he also knew if he did that then it was admitting he had another woman in his life. I was used to this kid of treatment, and my mother? Well, she would always stand back and do nothing. She is too afraid of my father to stand up to him.

**To Alicia:**

**Can't come, dad went off deep-end. Next time?**

I quickly sent Alicia the text message telling her that I was not ditching her sleepover on purpose, and hoping there would be another I would be invited to.

**From Alicia:**

**We'll come to you. Sneak in and sneak out before he notices?**

I smiled happily at the devious text message, because it confirmed two things; Alicia is my friend, and two she isn't only doing this because I saved her life.

**To Alicia: **

**Yes. I'm in the spa out back sneak through the woods and knock three times on the door. **

I typed back fast, as I thought of the old path Derrick, Cam, and I had created for us to easily sneak into my spa without my parents ever knowing.

**From Alicia:**

**Okay. See you soon.**

I couldn't help, but wonder how long it would be until they arrived. I became nervous, because it meant they would want an explanation of why I was banned to the spa and not the guest house. I don't know if I'm ready to tell them this part of my life.

I stared down at my iPhone 4S and slowly scrolled through the contacts, before I found his name. I clicked on it to start a new message, and as my hand started to shake, I sent him a message.

**To Derrick:**

**Dad, got angry and kicked me to the spa. Scared, wishing you were here.**

Five minutes had passed, and he had not replied back. I don't know why I thought he would, but he is the only one besides Cam that had helped me through times like these. He knew who my father really was, and that is a monster.

Derrick had witnessed firsthand the wrath of my father when he was over at my house and we were just playing video games innocently. My father had come home, and immediately attacked me, because something didn't go right. He slapped me, right in front of my best friend.

I made Derrick, swear that he wouldn't tell anyone what he saw. It was very rare if my father actually had hit me, but it had happened occasionally especially when he was a drunk and had yet to sober up.

Those were the worst years of my life, because I was living in fear. I was afraid of my own father, and even though he isn't as scary, he is still my biggest fear of becoming someone like him. I also don't want to become a mute like my mother. I can't wait to graduate and get the hell out of this house, and out of this town for good.

I don't plan on coming back ever again, and I don't plan on even inviting my parents to my own wedding. You can be damn certain that they will not be involved in my future children's lives, because they won't even know I had any kids. I plan on becoming very successful then exploiting my father for the true person he is, and for my mother for being a coward.

It seems, like a cruel thing to do, but they didn't care if they raised a child in a household like theirs. I have no concern, but to bury them alive with their lies. My father used to be a great _dad _and my mother used to be a strong _mom _until life changed and now they are both weak.

Knock!

Knock!

Knock!

Three knocks came from the opposite side of the door, I unlocked the door and opened it to find who was behind the other side.

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><p><strong>Review it maybe? Cliff-hanger haha. All it takes is one review for me to upload the next chappie to suspend your suspense of who it is. Mostly, because I'm addicted to this story, what can I say? I love writing Massie having a hard life no one knows about.<strong>


	6. Fears Are Often an Illusion

**A/n: Disclaiming that I own nothing of the Clique nor the characters. Idea again from the book, "Hate List".**

**You reviewed, and I have ****delivered even if it took awhile to upload it today. I hope this will give you the insight of some more background on Massie's old life before Landon. If there is anything that seems off or rushed, let me now before it's too late to fix it. I really do hope all of you will love this chapter, because I loved writing it. It's 10:10pm which means it took me an hour to write this amazing only short of 3,000 words by 800 less words amazingly lengthy chapter. Enjoy it:)**

**xoxo,**

**Haley.**

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><p>"Thanks, for coming." I said grateful, that someone had come to my <em>rescue. <em>

"Yeah, well I don't want another person to die because of some psychopath." Derrick said as he took a step into the spa.

I could tell that he had been lounging around, because he is wearing his black sweatpants that say, "Tomahawks Soccer" down both of his front legs, and he is just wearing a plain white T-shirt. It was his video games outfit, and they are clothes that I used to steal when I would spend the night at his house, because my father was on another rampage. I spent many nights at his house, because my father was drunk and _angry. _

Derrick, looked around the yellow covered walls that had pictures of my mother's former modeling days but there isn't any pictures of our family or me anywhere to be found. The spa; has white lounge chairs, a steam room, a hot tub, and a full bathroom equipped with a shower. I had persuaded my mom, to buy a black mini-fridge and she compelled even though it was only meant for me to be able to eat and drink while being punished by my father.

"Thank you, for coming that is. I honestly didn't think you would." I told him the truth, as he took a seat in one of the lounge chairs.

It's weird seeing Derrick this way. I mean sure, nothing has changed with him because he still has those dazzling brown eyes, and messy short blond hair, but something about his demeanor has changed dramatically. He seems as though he is less strong, if that makes any sense? When I look into his eyes; they look as though they are _broken_.

"Neither did I, but no matter what has changed I will always protect you." Derrick said staring directly into my amber colored eyes.

"I wish, I could just runaway and never come back."

"Let's leave right now." He exclaimed as he shot up from the chair, and headed towards my direction.

"If my father finds out that I left, then I will really be in trouble." I said afraid of the consequences that I would face if I leave with Derrick.

When you talk about running away, after first it sounds like the best idea in the world because you think how of great it would be all on your own without anyone bringing you down. However then you remember that running away doesn't solve anything, because at some point you are bound to come home when you have nothing left or have run out of money. Even if I managed to make it on my own, my father would find me somehow and threaten to hurt my mother if I did not come home.

As much as I don't like my mother for being scared, I care about her more than anything in the world. I would never want harm to come to her, and she is why I stay in this devil house because she would be all alone with a monster. I am also the only reason why my father stays with her, and she can't be alone. She is dependent, and that is her greatest downfall.

"He won't be mad, if he finds out that you are spending the night with the Harrington's to make up for being absent for the dinner." Derrick smirked wickedly, and I threw back my head to laugh at his ingenious plan.

Derrick was always great at coming up with plans, and when we are paired together well nothing ever goes wrong. We used to dominate the world around us, when we were younger and I have truly missed being with him.

"There is only one problem, I told Alicia and the rest of her friends to come over here and save me as well." I said quickly, remembering about how I had a backup plan.

Although, I am beginning to wonder if this all was a setup, because it has now been two hours since I had sent Alicia that text message and yet she is still not here. It's not like I live in the middle of nowhere and that our houses are two hours apart, because we live in the same neighborhood.

"I kind of told them to not come." Derrick said sheepishly.

What was he thinking? That may have been my only opportunity to be friends with Dylan, and Kristen and now it is ruined. I bet that they are now convincing Alicia being friends with someone like me is social _suicide_.

"Well, I guess, then let's go." I said not having another option left.

We bolted into a run when our feet touched the green grass outside of the spa, because a dark shadowy figure was making it's way towards the old barn. We needed to get out as fast as we could, because the unknown figure could ruin our plans of running away for one night.

Our feet took us far past his house, and I began to wonder where exactly he was planning on to run to. I really couldn't ask him, because my breathing had become heavy since I was very out-shape compared to the all-star soccer goalie.

Finally, he came to halt and I felt my throat tighten as I read the sign over the gate, "Westchester Cemetery" and now more than ever, I regret coming with him. I am not ready to face the truth, and the truth is all of them are _dead_.

"Derrick, I have a confession to make," I paused to steady my breathing, and he had turned around to look at me under the street light. "I have never been brave enough to come to their graves, because I can't bear to think my boyfriend killed all of them, and then he took his own life. I never came, because if I kept away it felt like it was all a dream, but being here means it is my reality."

When I made my confession that not even Dr. Green knows about; it felt as though a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again. I knew that it still doesn't change the fact, they are gone, but it helps with learning how to cope. I've been in denial for too long, and it is time to be angry with Landon, then it will be time to forgive and move on with my life.

"I know that is why I came here," Derrick began to say, and he too had to take a minute to regain his breath. "I know, because I came here every day and night to see if you would. When you didn't I realized it was because you were still in denial that they are dead. It's time, Massie for you to face your fears."

I sighed heavily, but I walked through the gate's entrance anyway, because as much as I hate to admit that he is right, he is. I need to get over, this shooting and when I do then I can relive my life with a fresh new start.

Derrick led the way over to Sammy's grave and I felt my hands start to clam up as we reached the headstone. I think, I might have a nervous breakdown. I kept reading her name repeatedly, the moonlight reflect off the grey marble making it visible, but I wish it was all just a dream.

Sammy, was a great person even if she was mean to Landon. I knew Sammy, and she was only mean because she needed to be to keep her social status. Landon, didn't let me convince him of who the true Sammy was because he was so full of _hatred _and _anger _it ended up _consuming _his life.

"I tried so hard to make Landon see how great of a person Sammy was," I began to cry as I dropped to my knees overwhelmed by emotions. "I told him about how Sammy would always be a big sister to me, how she always gave me the best advice about everything. Nothing, I did or said could change his mind; he would always hate her, because she made him a loser. If I knew, what he was planning..."

"Hush, Massie it's going to be okay." Derrick said calmly, as he sat down on the bare ground and wrapped his muscular arms around my small waist.

I turned my body towards him, and buried my face into his broad shoulders as my tears continued to fall. My breathing became heavy again as I cried harder, so hard that my chest began to hurt.

I don't know how long we sat there, but by the time my tears stopped falling neither of us bothered to move. I could have stayed there forever in his arms. I felt like I _belonged_ for the first time in a long time.

"You couldn't have saved her, and you need to learn that it wasn't your fault. It is time to get your life back." Derrick said, breaking the silence.

"What if I don't want that life back? What if I want to go back to how things were before he waltzed into my life?" I asked him as I pulled back my head, so I was face to face with him.

"Well, if you want that, you are going to have to find that brave girl hidden underneath all of these insecurities to get your old life back." He told me the honest truth, and I knew he was right.

I need to regain my strength and conquer my fears of being labeled as "the girl who dated a mass killer" because I am so much more than his ex-girlfriend. I am a fighter, and it is time for me to fight.

"Thank you." I said grateful, that he had come to my rescue.

Sure, Alicia and the rest of the girls would have been great company as well, but they wouldn't have pushed me like Derrick had. I would have run away from my problems if I had gone with Alicia, but with Derrick, I am forced to face them head on.

"Shall, we go home and play some Call of Duty?" Derrick asked as he moved his hands underneath my butt as he pushed himself off the ground and carried me bridal-style.

"We shall, but please put me down this instant." I commanded, and he without any hesitation had dropped me then ran away.

My butt had hit the ground hard, when he dropped me and I quickly got up to chase after him. I didn't mean it literally, but Derrick always loves messing with me.

"Come back here," I shouted after him as we ran down the empty streets towards his house. He didn't even bother to look back, because he knew that I was going to have my revenge on him. "I promise that I won't send you to the hospital."

We made it to his house within a record breaking time twenty minutes. Derrick had not stopped at all as I had chased him all the way home, but now he has nowhere else to run. Standing at the end of his driveway, he looked at me with a don't-kill-me-I'm-sorry look, but his cute smile isn't going to save him now.

"You have nowhere else to run, Harrington. So what are you going to do now?" I asked with a smug grin on my face as I approached him.

"Massie, it was an honest mistake. You are too nice to scum to devious behavior like me, so please do the noble thing and forgive me." Derrick said with a grin still wiped across his face, because he knew I couldn't ever be mad at him.

"Fine, but if you do it again then you will have hell to pay which means you get to go shopping with me, got it?" I asked sternly, and he nodded his head understanding.

We walked into his grey and blue house, and immediately we were greeted by his parents waiting impatiently for an answer. I had forgot how warming his house was compared to mine; the foyer is open and the grand staircase leads upstairs to the bedrooms, the red and black living room is off to the left of the entrance, and the teddy brown painted family room is off to the right.

The Harrington's household is full of pictures, of their children mostly and a few of them as a couple. The kitchen always has freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, compliment from Minnie their housekeeper, and you are always welcomed at their home.

"Where have you two been?" Lisa Harrington asked, and both Derrick and I exchanged glances at one another not knowing what we should tell them.

Lisa is a fairly tall woman at the height of 5'10 and with her pixie-cut blonde hair, and green eyes she makes for one hot mom. Sammy, looked just like her mother except Sammy would never be drastic and chop off her long locks like her fashion forward mother would.

Unlike my own mother; Lisa had gone off to college and earned a degree in Psychology that is how she meet her husband, Rick Harrington.

Rick, is a middle-aged version of Derrick, because both have the same puppy dog brow eyes, blonde short hair, and a cheeky smile. Rick, is an owner of his own enterprise that my own father CO-owns. Rick, and my father Bill as Rick calls him have been good friends since college and after college they stayed in touch and built a super house business gaining them fame, and a lot money.

"It happened again." Derrick said simply, and my eyes grew wide wondering if his parents knew the truth.

I always thought, Derrick of all people wouldn't tell a soul about my secret. It's not something I am proud of, and I hate being the daughter of an alcoholic. I hate being the victim of abuse, and what I hate more is the fact my father changed because of _me_.

"I should have known it would, Bill was acting so fidgety at work today and I was about to question him, but he left to obviously punish Massie." Rick sighed as he looked at me with that I-feel-bad-for-you look, which confirmed my suspicions they knew.

"They know about my secret? You promised, that you wouldn't tell anyone especially not your parents." I said as I looked directly at Derrick wondering why he had told them.

'How long have they known?' I thought, but I knew I didn't want an answer to that question.

"Derrick, didn't tell us. Sweetie, your mother came over earlier today and asked us if your father called asking if we had seen you to tell him, you came over to make amends for missing dinner," Lisa paused as she stepped over to me, and gave me a warm hug that I so desperately needed, but didn't want to ask for. Lisa had always been like a mother to me, and she would always call me, "Future Misses Harrington." whenever I came over to hang out with Derrick. "Your mother saw the two of you running out of the spa, and she knew if your father noticed it would have escalated into violence. She loves you, even if she doesn't seem justified by not leaving your father, she still loves you."

I knew what she had said about my mother loving me was the truth, but it still didn't make it easier to swallow. My mother, doesn't have the courage to leave my father behind, because she still believes there is a good man underneath it all.

This also means, the shadowy figure we had seen was indeed my mother, and she didn't even try to stop us. She also had stood up and defied my father by lying to him.

My mother does have some strength left in her, but now I want to know why she gone against him. What caused her to place my safety before her own this one time?

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><p><strong>Review it maybe? I know the ending of it is kind of a cliff-hanger ish but, I promise the reason will be revealed later and if you didn't pay attention Lisa never said Kendra had told them about William abusing Massie, so if it wasn't Derrick and it wasn't Kendra, how did they know? Oh I know another unanswered question! Okay, I'll leave since I've caused someone brains to burst with hopefully <strong>**curiosity.**


	7. Will You Ever Forgive Me?

**A/n: Disclaiming that I own nothing of the Clique nor the characters. Idea again from the book, "Hate List".**

**I know it has been months since I last updated, but I have been extremely busy with school and work. I want take a moment to say to those who were victimized on Friday, I am so incredibly sorry that such a tragedy had taken place. Prayers go out to the families who were directly affected with the tragedy. Also I hope this brings more awareness to Mental Illness and hopefully one day we will be able to understand it better. **

**xoxo,**

**Haley.**

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><p>My dad wasn't home when I finally had come home. It was a week later after our fight that I had decided, I had over-welcomed my stay at the Harrington's house. My mom had given me the story of how my father was away on business, but we both knew he was in town playing "house" with his mistress. My mom didn't admit to telling the Harrington's to lie to my father about where I was. She would never say, what really happened that night, not that it had really mattered because my father didn't care where I was.<p>

Here is the thing about my father, he only cares about his social-status in life. He only keeps my mom around because of this reason otherwise he would have divorced her a long time ago without a doubt in my mind. Mom still believes that he can change, and become the husband she always wanted him to be. Our family wasn't always like this, and I miss the times when I thought of my dad as Superman and my mom was Supermom.

"Massie, your father will be home in ten minutes and he wants to speak to you about everything that has happened." My mother said, as she handed me, my breakfast to eat.

Our house maid rarely did any of the cooking nowadays, because since my mom hasn't had a job she needed to find something to keep her busy. I think it helps about not thinking where my father really is as well.

"He finally decides after a whole week of being away that it is time to be a father again." I mumbled to myself. I hate thinking of how my father always gets his way around this house. He doesn't deserve to have my mom and I in his life, yet we are still in his life because he pays the bills.

My mom walked out of the kitchen; leaving me alone to my thoughts and to eat my breakfast in peace. Our kitchen isn't anything like the Harrington's kitchen; ours is black and white with granite top counters, marbled floors, and island, and appliances. Now the Harrington's kitchen is red and black, granite top counters, dark wooden floors, has an island, and supplied with the best candy and appliances around. Our house looks like the ones you would find in the magazine, the ones that try to be "homey" but never quite achieves that feeling of being someone's real home.

After I had finished my cinnamon french toast; I heard the front door knob rattle and I knew my father had finally made it home. I remember when I was little and I would rush into his arms as soon as I saw the car lights pull into the drive from the front window, but now I am grown and time has changed.

My father made his way to the kitchen; he is wearing an all black Armani suit and a purple Armani tie, his hair is combed perfectly and his blue eyes are look as though they had been crying. His mistress must have threatened to leave him, if he didn't divorce my mom because he never would use his tears on his real family. We are not good enough for that kind of gesture, and it also explains why he is home so early.

"Massie, we need to talk about what happened last year as a family." My father said calmly as he took a step towards me, and I spotted my mom leaning against the wall in the doorway of the kitchen. She had fixed her hair into a high-pony, and changed into a grey Ella Moss dress paired with black Gucci heels.

"Why do you suddenly have an interest in my life now? Answer my question and I will tell you what happened." I said flatly holding onto the little ground I had. He motioned for us to sit down at the table, and we all took a seat. I choose to sit next to my mom while my father sat directly across us.

"I know that I haven't been a good father lately, but I have always cared for you. I couldn't deal with the pain of knowing I almost lost my only baby girl to that monster, so I choose not to acknowledge the events instead I shut out my own family." My father confessed to my astonishment, but he never did say that he was sorry.

"I wrote your name on that list, because you had single-handedly destroyed my life. You made my mom feel as though she was an ugly duckling, and you never were home to help me get through the hard times. You stopped being my dad the day you choose her over your own family." I told him the truth of why his name even crossed my mind to put on our "hate" list. I caught him cheating and I saw my mother wither away, because of what he was doing to her and to me.

"Massie, your mother has decided that it is best that we separate for your own sake." My father said flatly as he pressed his head into his palms. Now, I know why he was crying, because my mother finally couldn't take it anymore. He is losing the family, he never thought he would say goodbye to.

"You said that you were scared of losing your only baby girl, because of Landon. Well you lost me the day you choose that dreadful woman over my own mother." I stabbed coldly as I placed my icy glare on his eyes. He looked up to see what I had to say, but was disappointed to hear the truth.

"Massie, I didn't ever want her to get in the way of our family, but your mother doesn't want me," My father practically cried. This is the only time I have ever seen him so vulnerable, but I won't fall for one of his acts.

Apparently neither will my mother, because she hasn't budge an inch with her decision. Maybe she is tougher than I had ever thought. "Will you ever forgive me?"

"Will you ever forgive me, dad? I never killed any of those kids; I was a victim too, but you act as though I pulled the trigger."

"Maybe in time, I will but right now I can't. Massie, I can't forgive you because you were apart of it; you wrote my name on that list. You may have not pulled the actual trigger, but you helped write a tragedy." My father said coldly, as he stood up for the table heading towards the front door to vanish from my life forever. However, my mother caught his arm, before he could make a run for it.

"Don' t you dare speak to my daughter that way. You have done nothing to help her recover, instead you go around screwing all the girls that lineup outside of your office. You are lousy husband and you are an even worse husband. To even think that I held on so long to a high school love is beyond me," My mom paused, but her grip had become tighter as my father tried feasibly to yank his arm out of her death grip.

My mom just might be a true heroine underneath her mask. "If you even so dare try to get rights of my daughter or try to get any sort of visitation; I will not hesitate to torch you and your "prestigious" status to the very Hell you live in."

My father nodded his head understanding the consequences, and with that non-verbal communication my mother let him walk out of our lives. My mother had finally stood up and defiled my father, but now I wonder how long has she been playing this? She must have had a plan, because my father seemed to give in too easily.

"Why did he walkaway so easily?" I asked her out of pure curiosity.

"He walked away so easily, because he knows that he doesn't stand a chance to fix his mistakes. I made him realize that after all of these years, I had always had the upper-hand. He tried everything to mend our relationship, but I didn't want it. I realized he had changed, and the man I loved and the man you loved was nothing but a memory." My mother said mysteriously, as she pulled me into a hug. I let out a breath that I didn't realize, I was holding in.

"Thank you." My words were short, but full of meaning.

I was forever grateful, for what she had just done. She had vanished away the monster, like she always had when I was younger. Now, I can finally call her my mom again, because she acted like the old mom, I knew and loved today. As far as I'm concerned my father is dead to me.

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	8. I Hate You

**Haloxoxo** **is back? Say what? I could go on and list all the excuses of why I haven't updated in forever, but I won't. Instead I am giving you the brand new chapter of The Deadly Hate List. I thought this chapter was a very important one to write since the last one was about her father this is the second part kind of. **

**Love always,**

**Halo.**

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><p>My father didn't bother coming back, not that very night and not ever again. It had been a month since I had last seen my father. He never tried to pick me up from school or even give me a phone call. Although I couldn't say I was any better, because I made no effort to contact him either, but why should I? All he did was cause me so much anger and pain. My mother had also made it clear that if he did come back into my life, she would burn him to the ground. I didn't know what she and I were going to do with the house or how she would find the money to support my school funding. She had told my dad, she didn't want a dime of his filthy money.<p>

"Mom, if you need me to find a job to help-"

She cut me off mid-speech as she continued to make my breakfast. "Massie, do not worry about money. I have a lot more than your father would ever accumulate." my mother said as she hushed my concerns.

She flipped my pancakes one last time before she placed them on my white and red plate as she topped them off with butter, blue berries, and organic maple syrup. My mom made the best pancakes in the world, and I loved when she would make them for me out of the blue.

"Honey, I know right now you don't want to talk to him..." Her voice trailed off as she placed a hand on my shoulder. She knew I was having a hard time with the divorce, but it was mainly because my father didn't even try to fight for me. "But if you eventually want to talk to him then I want you to know, I will love and support you no matter what you decide to do."

"He thinks that I killed those people," I paused as I pushed the tears back from falling down. My father was never an easy subject for me to discuss. "I am a failure in his eyes, and I don't want to be around someone who doesn't believe me when I say I didn't know what he was planning on doing that day."

My mother gave me a hug of love, as the tears from my eyes had now fallen down my face. I couldn't control my sobbing. All I ever wanted from my father was for him to become the man he used to be. I wanted my "daddy" back as childish as that sounds.

"Sweetie, I am so sorry that he has hurt you in this divorce the most." My mother said as she stroked her fingers through my straightened brunette hair.

We stayed there for what had seemed like an eternity. My mother held me in a tight embrace as I cried out all my sorrows of not only my father issues, but of the shooting issues as well. After fifteen minutes the doorbell had rung, and my mother walked over to the door to answer it.

My father was standing there in a pair of blue jeans, a purple button down shirt, and a pair of black work shoes. His green eyes pierced into my soul as he talked to my mother in a low inaudible whisper from where I was standing in the foyer. My mother dressed in a red Marc Jacobs dress and black Jimmy Choos stilettos with her blonde hair curled to perfect ringlets, seemed to be outraged at my father's appearance.

"I think we should let Massie decide who she wants to stay with, Kendra." I heard my father say, and my mother nodded her head silently.

My father moved closer to the entry way of the house, but my mother didn't let him in. She stood there in the doorway blocking my father out of the house he used to live in. It was still weird for me seeing my mother defy my father, but I still loved every minute of it. It was time he learned his place in this world, and that is at the bottom of Hell.

"You are not here to find out who I want to live with after the divorce," I said as I broke into their conversation. My father looked directly at me, as I stood there behind my mother wearing a purple Ella Moss dress paired with black/purple cheetah Gucci heels. "You came here to find out why I put your name on the list."

"Massie, what would you have done if Landon would have come to my office and killed me that day?" My father asked as he ruffled a hand through his ruffled brown hair. His emotions looked as though he was sincerely hurt by the thought of dying in the hands of my ex-boyfriend.

"I would have hoped he killed that slut too." I blurted out without taking enough time to think of a good answer. My emotions had run me over today, and I was still very much angry with my father for cheating on my mom. She didn't deserve anything he had done to her, but he would never apologize to her about his actions.

"Massie, you don't mean that-"

"You don't know anything about me anymore," I said as I cut him off. "I honestly don't think I would have cared if you died. You cheated on my mom. You abused me when you got angry or if you were drunk. You stopped being my dad the day you slept with that slut, and nothing you do or say will ever make it up to me."

My father stood their motionless as my words had sunk into his thick skull. I didn't regret a single word, because it was everything I felt. He needed to know how much his affair took away from the relationship that we used to have. However, more importantly he needed to know that I was never going to be in his life ever again.

"I think you should leave William," My mom said as she slowly started to shut the door on my father. "Obviously you aren't wanted here."

"Massie, I am sorry for everything. I need you in my life." My father said as his last attempt to make amends with his only daughter.

"You should have thought about that before you decided to have an affair, and long before you abused me. I hate you William and wish to never see you again." I said before my mom managed to shut the door right on my father.

After she shut the door, the tears had come back in full swing. As much as I wanted to hate my father, and trust me, I do want to hate him but I can't. At the end of the day, he is still my father, and I cannot change DNA. However I can choose if I want him in my life, and I do not wish to have him in my life.

"I want to make him pay for what he has done." I said to my mom after I stopped crying.

"Honey, Landon is dead and there is nothing we can do about what he caused." My mother said as she pushed back my bangs from my face.

"I didn't mean him, I meant William. I want him to lose everything he has." I said full of anger and seeking revenge on my own father.

"Sweetie, don't be silly. He already lost everything he could ever have wanted." My mother said with a small chuckle.

"No, he still has his whore and loads of money." I said concerned that my mom has now lost her mind.

"Baby, he may have Vivian but I have always been the sole owner of Block Enterprises," My mom told the truth. "Your father was just my puppet for press, since hardly no one in the business world would ever take a former "Miss America" seriously."

I had never known that my mother was the mastermind of my family's wealth. I always thought she was this miserable housewife and to now find out she has been the smartest woman I've ever known.

"I still think he should go to jail." I added my thought. It would make up for the abuse my father put my mother and I through.

"Jail wouldn't change anything. He already is a mess because he lost the most important thing in world today." My mom said cryptic.

"You?" I asked looking up in her amber eyes.

"No, you Massie. You meant the world to him and now you are gone." She said simply as she gave me a hug of reassurance that someday everything would be okay.

I had to let go of my anger and pain towards my father today, but the outcome was something so much greater and that was the unconditional love my mom showered me in. No matter what would happen in school on Monday it wouldn't matter, because my mom believes me when I say I didn't know and she is the only opinion I truly ever cared about.

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	9. Forgiveness is a Hard Path to Follow

**a/n: I do not own the Clique.**

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><p>Two weeks have flown by since I told my father, I didn't want him in my life. He didn't make an effort to even have custody over me instead he granted my wish and walked out of my life. I thought I would be happy to have him out of my life, but I secretly miss him. Even though my family life isn't great...my school life is even worse.<p>

"Watch out for her...she tends to have boyfriend's who are psychopaths." Layne my former best friend said to the new girl Valerie.

I thought the bullying would stop once I had become friends with Alicia and her friends, but I was dead wrong. Some people cannot get over what happened because of Landon, and I don't blame them but I wish they would stop blaming me.

"Don't listen to her," Claire said as she walked up behind me. "She is jealous you have come back to the person you were before he came along."

"I am far from being the girl who was fearless." I told Claire as we walked to our first hour together.

Claire had become one of my best friends over the past month, and I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't there. She has pushed me into trying out new things like joining the girls soccer team, and attending high school parties.

"This party tonight will prove you are fearless,"

"Do you really think I should go?"

"Yes, and don't worry I will right beside you the whole time."

The bell rang and we hurried into the classroom, but I zoned out the whole entire day of school. I really don't know if I am truly ready to attend a party since I haven't been to one in three years. I didn't really even pay attention at all, until lunch came because Alicia was raving about how awesome this party was going to be.

"Cole Newell is having the party at like sevenish and he always supplies the best liquor." Alicia raved about Cole.

It wasn't a secret she had a thing for the senior football star, and it wasn't a secret Cole was a player. Alicia however is convinced she would be the girl who could change Cole, and his player ways.

"I don't know if I am going." I said.

"Of course you are going, because it is time this school realizes you are back." Alicia argued.

Before I could even try to dispute her claim that the old me was back, the bell had rung and I walked off to my last hour of the day. I don't think any of the girls understand how the girl I used to be before **he** came and ruined me, isn't ever coming back.

"Today we are going to talk about pain of losing someone," Mr. Schwartz said as class started.

Mr. Schwartz is my psychology teacher and today he has decided to form his lesson plan on losing someone. If he could have only picked a better day for this like a day when I was sick at home. I don't know if I really wanted to participate in this discussion, because I know what my classmates think of me...they think I am a murder.

"I would like to state, how pained I was to lose so many innocent people to Landon Crazy-Pants-Crane." Layne said.

I knew she was going to start an never ending discussion on how many people were effected by the shooting and how I was also to blame for their deaths.

"I lost my sister to a psycho, but we can't blame someone else for what happened," Derrick said. "Because that person was innocent and she also lost someone that day as well as the rest of us."

I couldn't even thank Derrick anymore, because he has been constantly defending me ever since the day he forced me to visit Sammy. It was like he was searching for a piece of the old me too, and that night he must of saw a piece of it.

"I know a lot of you think I knew what he was planning," I paused as I stood up and turned around to face my demons. "But I didn't, and you all seem to have forgotten about how he shot me too. You think I don't hear their screams in my sleep? No, I remember that day every single minute of my day, and I won't be able to forget it like the rest of you, because that was my boyfriend who shot and killed all of those people. I am so sorry, for what he has done, but I was a victim too."

After I finished my little speech, Mr. Schwartz told us to talk about people who we lost prior to the tragedy. I couldn't believe I stood up in front of my critics and told them I wasn't the person responsible, and for once I felt like I couldn't be touched.

After school was out, I worked up the courage to attend Cole's party because I was still on my high from facing my bullies in 4th period. I had my mom help curl my hair into beachy waves, and help pick out my purple Ella Moss dress paired with my black Michael Kors pumps.

"I see you made it to the party," Alicia said when I arrived.

"I decided I should live a little." I said as she handed me a red solo cup.

I walked around the house hoping to find Claire, but she seemed to have ditched me for some drunk guy. Alicia was too busy shoving her tongue down Cole's throat, and Kristen was at home studying while Dylan was playing beer pong with the soccer boys.

I was left utterly alone by my one friends, and I was quickly starting to think this was all a mistake. I shouldn't have come. I am not ready for this, and I don't have anyone supporting me.

"Hey killer, look what I've found," I drunk guy slurred at me as he pointed a gun at me.

I dropped my drink as the memories of the shooting all came back to me all at the once, and I felt the hot tears fall down from my face. I bolted out of the room, and pulled out my cell phone.

"It's only a squirt gun baby," I heard the guy shout after me, but I didn't care it felt all too real.

I dialed the old familiar number, and quickly wished I hadn't.

"Can you pick me up? I am at Cole Newell's house and I am slightly drunk." I said before he could even say hello.

"I''ll be there in five minutes." he said.

I waited for his old familiar black Range Rover to come up, and when it did I ran to it fast. I wanted to get the hell away from this party as fast as I could.

"What happened?" He asked after five minutes of silence besides my crying.

"Someone drunk guy pulled a squirt gun on me, and I freaked," I told him the truth.

"Massie, why didn't you call your mother about this?"

"Because dad, I don't want her to know that some people can't forgive me for something I didn't do and I figured since you are just like that drunk guy, you wouldn't care."

He slammed on the brakes and pulled the car over so he could lecture me. I don't understand why he cares about what the stupid kid did, because he admitted I am the reason a tragedy occurred. He told me how he couldn't forgive me about what had happened over a stupid black book with a list of people I hated.

"I would never do what that drunk kid did to you, don't you know how much I love you?"

"Actually dad, I don't because you didn't even try to fight to see me instead you let me go because you can't seem to accept I didn't kill those people."

My dad didn't have a response instead he pulled the car back onto the road, and continued to drive me home in silence. I stared at him as he drove home, and I saw the tears fall from his face. I don't know why he can't communicate on what he feels about me, because I am dying to know how he can blame his own daughter for being angry at him for all the things he has done.

"You are safe now," He said as he stopped in the driveway and put the car in park, "I won't tell you're mother about this if you don't want me to."

"What I want you to do is forgive me, and for you to fight for a relationship with your only daughter." I said.

"The reason why I chose to not have custody over you is, because I don't think you could ever forgive me for all those things I have done," He paused as he turned to face me, "You are my everything, and I failed at being your father. How could you ever forgive me if I don't forgive myself?"

"Dad, I would have forgiven you if you had forgiven me but you lost your chance to fix anything between us," I told him the truth, "Thanks for the ride."

"Before you go, you should know I am no longer seeing Valerie," He told me, "I lost my family and myself because of this affair, and she wasn't worth it."

"You should have thought about the consequences before you had the affair." I said before I closed the car door behind me.

I don't know if I can forgive my father for all the wrong things he has done, but I also don't know if he could ever forgive me either. I wrote his name on that list, and at the time I did care if he lived or died, but now I don't know if I could care if he died. All I know is my mother is my strength, and the girl I used to be is nothing but of a memory.

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